Last week, Kelsey and I felt it was time to change things up. We went to look at One Year Bibles and ended up finding a devotional that we thought would challenge us enough to get us to dive deeper into our walks. This devotional is called Created For More by Jonathan Malm.
While it's written to be a 30 day challenge, after reading day 1, we realized we'd need more time to delve into the topic. I will write insights and answers to the challenges in my journal. The first title is be humble. The challenge: do your thing (writing for me) purposely horrible. Then, share it. So I just started writing, no editing.
If I'm going to do this, all in, without holding back, here it goes. 2015 was going to be my year. Everything was finally going to fall into it's proper place. At least that's how I went into the year. My mindset defeated me before I could even take a step in any direction.
Physically it was time to get it under control. I was tired of the same old song and dance. It was going to be my year to eat better, exercise more, to get it together. Lose the extra weight, become all around healthier. That didn't happen, not in the least. The best of intentions I had were quickly squelched when pain began to settle in. Not just pain but exhaustion too. It seemed every time I turned around, another symptom piled on.
Late in the year a break through happened. However the vit. D only helped one of the major issues. The pain returned quicker than I ever dreamed. Leaving my goal to get it together laying by the side of the road, dead.
Physically wasn't the only area I was going to get it right. Spiritually, I was going to pick the time to have Bible study and stick to it. I was going to become consistent, find new ways to grow and set on fire. Consistency, didn't happen, super-on-fire-me, didn't happen. Depth came, but not how I expected. Depth came in to the tune of trust. A trust that there is a purpose for the pain, physical and emotional, that I was walking through. Trust that all this is going to be used...eventually. Spiritually I had to cling to Him and the Family He gave me when my "nuclear" family fell apart. When several parts of my life seemed to be floundering, He wouldn't let me fall.
Emotionally this year took a toll. From conflicts between people I love tearing apart the family we'd all fought so hard to rebuild over the last several years, to hormones playing with my emotions, whenever and however they pleased. I felt like a terrible mess. If I wasn't distracting myself (in many ways) I was on the verge of tears. If I wasn't near crying, I was numb. I got really good at faking feeling okay. I could convince everyone and anyone, including myself. Until I couldn't. Then the flood gates erupted and it was near impossible to seal them up again.
Mentally was probably the best for me this year. Even though the physical and emotional were tied so tightly to this, I was able to stand up for myself. Have my own voice, my own opinion, and share it. Sure, after I did so, I may have doubted and second guessed myself (a million times on some) but I never backed down. I didn't choose to go along with others thoughts, opinions along my actions just because it would have been easier. I would validate their stance, but stood firm in my own as well.
Last year wasn't along all bad though. Despite everything, my sister's and I are closer than ever, I have the sweetest little nephew, who has a great personality and some of the best friends a gal could ask for. While 2015 held a lot of pain and heartache, it held a lot of lessons, a lot of laughs, smiles, and joy. It just seemed the pain, tears and all around suckiness is what stands out more. On the upside 2016 looks to be brighter, happier, and less chaotic, I can hope.
This year isn't so much about making XYZ goals to get better, but about becoming a better follower of God. Choosing His plan over my own. Learning again who I am because of Who's I am. While the desire to get healthy, lose the weight and become more put together again are there, they're not the primary goal.
