So long 2019

A few days back I wrote a broad post encompassing events from 2010 through to 2019. A highlight of the decade soon ending. A memorial of a sports. While the decade definitely brought drastic highs and lows, this year was definitely the most difficult.

Scrolling through pictures on my phone and I found one from 12/30/18. Exactly a year ago. While it is like many others I have, this one contained special purpose. Significant milestone. After 3 weeks, 2 procedures and a lot of questions (some answered, some not), dad had come home from the hospital.

Our little girl, such a papa's girl was so excited to have him home. We were all relieved to be under the same roof, just in time for the new year. Little did we know what the year held for us.

As the year started to unfold we began settling into routines. Some doctors appointments here, labs there. We also began to realize that our new normal wouldn't be what it was before. We remained hopeful, believing God could restore but also aware that he may not.

This was followed by challenging months full of doctors appointments, ER visits, another hospital stay or two. Everyday a new or different uncertainty came to light. The evidence becoming clearer and clearer.

Just before summer, another week long hospital stay. No longer could the truth be ignored. His body was worn down. A choice had to be made. We could have stayed on the same old cycle, body wearing down more and more with each trip or we could take a different road a new road.

The decision made was the hardest one. The right one. The best one.

Choosing to step off the merry go round, seeking to have a better quality of the life left within. Hospice stepped in and finally some peace settled in.

We made a few changes, but things got better. We could look up, breathe in the life around us and enjoy each day for what it was. No more doctor appointments. No more EMS/ER trips. No more "what's next" questions.

The kids got invaluable time with the man they both loved so much. We were given the chance to care for, talk with and allow him to have his best days.

This doesnt mean any of it was easy. On the contrary, it was the hardest leap of faith I've ever taken. The journey was excruciating. The spiritual battles fought and ultimately won were beyond anything I'd experienced before.

In the end, when the dust settled, more peace followed. New lessons learned. Discovered those who loved and supported us best. Bonded with others in new ways. Found hard truths about some. All lessons that benefit, no matter how hard the realizations were.

2019 started with a phrase, one that I didnt realise was going to be absolutely crucial to all the events that were ahead. Walking through a store a mug had jumped out at me that simply said "stay grounded." Through it all, that was essential for more than merely surviving everything that came our way.

At the end of the year I am blessed beyond any measure. Two amazing kids who have been through the wringer but have blossomed into incredible people. An amazing husband that showed unwavering support in the seasons that came and loved me well through them. A loving dog who is an absolute sweetheart, even if ultra-needy. A circle of friends who are more like family. A God who sustained, strengthened and showed up time and again.

With this we are ready to close the chapter that is 2019. We cling to the lessons learned. Remember the many we lost. Remain aware of the blessings around us.

Tomorrow we open a new book and chapter. One that is full of optimism and hope. 366 days to connect. With God. With others. With myself. 366 chances to reconnect.

366 chances to seek out joy.

FOMO no more

Thursday night (12/26) before bed I followed a pull on my heart. It had been a long time coming. To be honest, it's a step I should have probably taken a long while ago.

I took the two social media apps off my phone that sucked most of my spare time. Facebook and instagram. I also removed games off of my phone as well.

I haven't deactivated the apps. However, I have opted to spend more of my time into the people, hobbies and things that nourish rather than drain. I've already found that I have ample time to enjoy such things. Time I never felt I had.

If I'm totally honest, it hasnt been easy to stay away. Several times today, even, I'd find myself reaching for my phone. Out of habit and muscle memory looking for one of those apps.

It's been sobering to mentally note each time I've instinctually reached for the device. I've found myself even tempted to open facebook on the mobile browser. For no particular reason, I'd mostly just mindlessly scroll. 

As the day went on I began to feel a stirring, an uneasy feeling. A sobering conviction. I couldnt quite put a finger on the meaning behind the feeling that was beginning to encompass. 

Then it hit me. Like a 2X4. Spoken straight to my heart by the Spirit himself.

When will your fear of missing out be toward the things I want for you?

This made my heart hurt. How many times have I scrolled all day long to gain nothing that really matters? How many times have I missed the opportunity to connect with the God who created me for the purpose of relationship?

It's a similar message to that which was shared in service this week. Confirmation.

 So I have chosen to take this culture and use it to motivate me to dig into scripture. Challenge me to deepen my prayer life. Draw me closer to my Father.

With Him there is no fear. With Him there is no missing out.

Decade of Extremes

Looking back to the start of the decade, my heart wouldnt have been able to imagine the life that these 10 years would see. I was blessed to see love celebrated, countless lives brought to life, hearts called and changed by the Savior, and so much more. It also contained heartbreak, the brokenness of relationships, loss of lives, pain of unfulfilled dreams, seemingly unanswered prayers. 

This decade was one of vast extremes, more than this heart was prepared.

Most of this decade was spent in my twenties. I found myself in many new seasons all at once. A young wife, navigating year one of marriage. Discovering new paths of work. Illness began to take hold. Friendships began to shift. Priorities and hobbies came and went with the seasons.

As the decade progressed, everything we once knew changed. Today we find ourselves an old married couple in most circles, having celebrated 10 years married. Established on a career path that only God could have ordained. Illness continued, spread, changed and ultimately struck down. Friendships are completely different, few from the start remain, the ones now are deeper, truer, stronger. Priorities continue to mold themselves based on the season of life. Hobbies are more established and more a source of rest and peace.

This decade we experienced life and death. We experienced wellness and sickness. We experienced plenty and need. We've seen blessed mountains and dry vallies. We've experienced love and loss. We've felt joy and pain. 

Through the entire decade one thing has held truest: God has never left us. He has never allowed something for nothing. He is faithful. He is still good. He is still God.

In the end that's all that matters.

*** reminder for those joining from Facebook, I am on a social media break. So any comments left on facebook wont be read for an undetermined amount of time.