Reflections on 2011

One of the sites I follow, posted these 20 Questions for a New Year’s Eve Reflection. We'll, I'm going to take advantage of some down time and answer these now. I thought it made a great topic to post on. :)

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

--I started a successful accountability relationship. She has become my best friend.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

--My cousin (the only one on my dad's side I was even remotely close to at the time) being arrested, tried, and convicted of murder.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

--Making some great friends in the blogging world. I would have probably never met some of them had it not been for this space to share my heart.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

--The loss of a "friendship" with someone I had thought was sent to help me with my walk.

5. Pick three words to describe 2011.

--Glad it's over

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2011 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

--Drama Drama Drama (mostly outside of course)

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2011 (again, without asking).

--Just another year

8. What were the best books you read this year?

--Grace for the Good Girl (not completely done, but definitely the best)

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

--My husband, My sister, my parents, Kelsey (my accountability partner), Jackie (my mentor)

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

--Believing I am valuable enough to stand up for what I believe is right without fearing what the outcome may be.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

--My fears don't have as much control over me as they once did.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

--I have consistently read through the bible, had a successful accountability relationship, and have began to learn exactly what trusting God looks like in my life.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

--I started to (and enjoyed) working out...that is until my gym closed unexpectedly last month.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

--I have began to recognize those who deserve my trust and respect and those who don't before getting too attached. (This my sound like a step backwards but for me it's a step forward)

15. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

--I found a job that I truly enjoy and find rewarding. I learn to love it more each day, even on the bad days.

16. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

--Learning how to best diffuse the behaviors before the clients are in a full blown out behavior

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

--It's a tie...facebook and pinterest

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

--Spending time with my dad, sister and husband

19. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

--How to not get overwhelmed with the everyday facts that I cannot control.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2011 for you.

--The hardest year of my life thus far, yet the most personal growth I've had to date as well.

I'd love to hear about your inputs on 2011.

Grace for the Good Girl Chapter 11

We left off with chapter 10 last tme. By this time according to the schedule, I should be taking a break this week and picking up with chapters 14 and 15 next week...well I'm just a little behind. At the start of this, being off schedule would have frustrated me...to no end. Since I'm learning that life isn't always about the rules, I'm not going to let this little setback get me frazzled.

Soo anyway, on to Chapter 11:

"Knowing what you have makes all the difference." So often we relish in all we don't have, rather than focus on all He's already given us. What a silly mistake we constantly make.

Soul Vs. Spirit

"...when it comes to understanding how to come out from behind the masks we wera and live in freedom from those false identities, the distinction between soul and spirit becomes a vital part of our experience." I've never been taught that they weren't the same thing. I have always been taught that soul and spirit are one and the same.

The Visible Invisible

"The invisible can be overlooked until it isn't there anymore." Perhaps this is why we so often feel distance between ourselves and God. Because we tend to overlook our relationship with Him until it begins to fade.

The Anatomy of the Invisible

"So if I feel rejected, I'm likely to believe that I am unacceptable. If I feel embarrassed, I am likely to believe that I am a fool. If I feel capable, I'm likely to believe I can handle anything." 

"When my spirit meets God's Holy Spirit, life is made available."

The Letting

"...simply knowing wasn't enough...she had to let it be true." How often have I known something, but refused to let that truth actually sink through my thick skull? Too many if I were to guess.

"Peace stands between them (my mask and my Savior), looks me straight in the eye, and asks permission to do what peace does best: give rest" I love this. Over the last week I reached out to someone, in hopes to make amends in our relationship. I came out with some pretty big scars, but I felt God asking me to take that step. It's been almost 2 weeks with no response. Instead of doing as I would have done before and over thinking the whys and what-nots about the lack of response, but instead, peace is reigning. Peace that I followed the call. Peace because I know that as far as it depends on me, I made the attempt to live at peace with this former friend.

"...I have to let peace be peaceful within me." Amen! I haven't learned out to do this very well until recently. 

The Mystery

"Born as a daughter of Eve, your flesh was your only option because your spirit was dead." Since we're all daughters of eve...from birth into flesh...we were dead in spirit upon birth. "...now you have a choice:...Let fear dominate or let peace rule?" Seems like an easy choice huh? Until we allow our fleshly minds to think and rethink and over-think things.

The Release

"If you want to embrace the reality of who he is and who he has made you to be, you first have to release the lie of who you always thought you were." Oh wow. Cutting straight to the heart there...ouch. Time to go lick that wound...nah. I'll let the one who opened it, slowly close it up as I learn how to live this statement out.

Receive

"Are you trying to be who Jesus wants you to be? Or do you trust him to bring out who he has already created you to be? It is vital to recognize the difference between these two questions because one leads to death, the other leads to life." I thinkknow I need to reflect on this more often.

"Only Jesus can be like Jesus. And he wants me to trust him to be who he is in and through me." Lord, teach me how to have this sort of trust. Show me what it means to truly trust you. Amen.

My plan is to do chapters 12 and 13 within the next few days. Hopefully I can be all caught up within the next week. But as this book has been forcing me to do this whole time, I will take it word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph and soak as much as I can.

Blessings friends! Happy New Years to you and yours. Be sure to click on over here and subscribe to this blog starting on Sunday!

Heaviness

Yesterday afternoon, I was all pumped up about writing a post on all the new and exciting things happening at the start of 2012. Before I got the chance to I was informed of some devastating news. Before I get to that, I'll share with you the reality of a friend's family from the past several days.

On Friday, a 9 year old girl was reported missing. She and her 2 sisters had been staying with a family friend  for about a week due to their mother being ill with the flu. She'd been missing from early in the morning, but a report wasn't filed right away due to what was described as a "communication error".

On Saturday, there was a team that combed a 5 mile radius. Their search came up empty. That night they questioned several people who had contact with her recently.

On Sunday...Christmas Day, no further searches were done. They requestioned a couple people and questioned a few others.

Yesterday, The FBI came on board and they questioned some again. After several hours one broke. He admitted to killing the little girl in an extremely gruesome way.

Today, Mourning and pain flows through all outlets possible.

Today, I find myself sick to my stomach. How can one, who was a close family friend do such a thing. The information received last night, reminded me again how much I hate the evil in this world.

I want to be mad, and stay that way, but I know that's not what my Creator would want from me. His reaction is to hate the evil in this world and the evil one who causes it, but to love the person behind the acts. As hard as it is to think about it right now, God originally made this man like he did all of us, in His image. This man was just persuaded by Satan to do the evil he wanted done.

So, the next day or two, I may be quiet again, mourning the loss for my friends and their family. Please keep the entire Lemmon family in your prayer.

A little rest

With this being the week of Christmas, and the fact I'm still trying to recover from not getting a whole lot of sleep this weekend, I think I'm going to be taking a short break from writing...I'll probably be back next week, if not then, DEFINITELY by the 1st...after-all, I have want to remind everyone of a wonderful website that starts up on the first.

So, over the next week or so, don't feel like I've fallen off the face of the earth. I will still be reading blogs, I just won't be writing any new posts. I don't necessarily want to do this, but I feel that I need to do this.

With this being one of the (if not the) last post of 2011, I wanted to leave you with links back to my favorite posts from this year.

1. Insight


2. Faith or Superstition


3. Honesty


4. Alarm clocks/church


5. Caring


6. Out of Focus


7. Childlike


8. To My Core


9. I Love My Daddy


10. My Fear


11. Feedback Please


12. Language Check Please

As I see comments come in, I will respond, maybe not quickly, but I promise, I'll keep the trend I've started with responding back to the comments I receive. So I love YOU and wish you nothing but the happiest, merriest Christmas celebrations you've ever had. Don't forget to spend some time reflecting on the real reason we're able to even celebrate.

I want YOU

I'm stealing this from a fellow blogger. She posted this idea yesterday and think it's too cool. It's a chance for us writers to get to know our followers better. I hope you'll take part in this.

My name is ____________________ (you can use a nickname or just your first name if you would like)

I am _________________________ (student / wife / single mom / etc )

I love to ___________ and _______________.

I am happiest when I am ________________________.

If I could do anything in the world, I would _____________. (this is my favorite question!)

here's mine: My name is Amy McCollister. I am a young wife who works at a group home for developmentally disabled adults. I love to read (anything from blogs to books and back) and crochet. I am happiest when I am with my family and friends, or writing something that's been placed in my heart. If I could do anything in the world, I would effectively shine Christ onto each and every soul that I encounter every day.

I hope you all have a blessed weekend. I've got a busy one for sure. Lunch with the in-laws in about an hour. Then a bake extravaganza for a bake sale at church tomorrow. After that I'm crazy enough to be working 8p-8a at a group home I've only worked in once...lets just say, I hope that the clients sleep well..haha. Then church tomorrow and hopefully an easy day after that to recover from the long night ahead.

I'll be checking in to this as often as possible throughout the day and hopefully commenting fairly quickly back.

Psst...

I have a secret...okay, well MAYBE it's not so much of a secret anymore. Starting next month a new site is starting up! I cannot wait for it. It's going to be a blog community where women can come together and be real with each other. I've been blessed enough to become a contributing author for this community. Our goal is to create a place where women can come and grow together sharing in the good times, the bad times, and the struggles we all have. We'd love to have you join us, the website is http://mustlovegod.net/. We'll be having posts on Monday Wednesday Friday and Saturdays!!!

...this thought just occurred to me... about a year ago one of my goals for my life was to become more healthy in all areas of my life. The acronym I used was SEMP (Spiritual Emotional Mental Physical). Lo-and-behold...those are the very focuses of this website. How my God amazes me every day of my life.

Another thought...this is the time of year we focus on the Advent. Awaiting the time that Christ comes back. He promised us that he'd be back for us, and we're all anticipating it. My thought on this is isn't this how we're supposed to live every single day of our lives? I think so. And if that's the case, why do we focus so much on it now? and not as much on it after Christmas? Just some food for thought.

 

Untraditional Tradition

My husband I have unintentionally started a tradition, but it's a tradition that I have come to love, even more once I realized that it'd been our tradition. For Christmas, most exchange gifts either on Christmas eve or Christmas day. However, my husband and I haven't ever (at least, in the 6 years we've been together, I can't remember ever) exchanged gifts on Christmas day. We usually exchange them within the first couple weeks of December.

There are many reasons excuses for doing so. The first year we were together, we had separate family events that prohibited it. After we were going to each others family gatherings, we still didn't wait until Christmas day to exchange gifts. I get so excited about what I'd gotten for him, that I can't ever bring myself to wait to give it to him, no matter how small of a gift it might be. (I am the worst at saving a gift for the reason I got it). He usually makes the mistake of telling me when he gets my gift, then curiosity gets the best of me, and I annoy ask him about it until he gives in and gives it to me early.

The other day, I was thinking over feeling bad about my issue with being able to wait to receive a gift that I knew was supposed to be for Christmas. Then it hit me. We (my husband and I) have never been traditional about giving gifts. No matter the occasion--birthday, Christmas, anniversary.

Then I was given another perspective on it. This time, a freeing revelation. By giving our gifts ahead of time, despite still having family gatherings, we are able to better reflect on the real meaning of Christmas without being distracted with whether or not our gift was received well.

Which then lead me to thinking, "I wonder if we'll continue our tradition when we have kids...or if we'll fall into the regular tradition." I'm hoping that instead of falling into pattern, we'll keep it the same because after thinking it over, it really makes a lot of sense to me for us to keep it the same.

Do you have any untraditional traditions?

Grace for the Good Girl Chapter 10

This week, I'll be focusing on only one chapter. It's the last chapter of part one, and it is extremely deep, as well as long.



Chapter 10: Hide And Seek game over

As with all the posts about this book the color scheme is:

• Quotes from the Book


• My add-ons


• My Story

"God has made everything beautiful in it's time." I have to begin to believe this. I'm the first to tell someone something similar when their in the face of trials, but I haven't quite grasped what this looks like in my life. Although I always see the beauty that are found from trials after I am through them.

From the Beginning...

Emily begins to tell the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. She brilliantly incorporates our good girl mentalities and identifies those same characteristics in Eve...after the fall.

"Love was not afraid to give us a choice even though he knew what would happen." That in and of itself is absolutely mind blowing.

I love this concept, it's still true today..."Satan lies. The woman doubts God in her soul, believes the lie of Satan, and chooses the fruit."

Two Things (That Satan did, which lead to the fall)

"First, he convinced Eve she had to do something in order to be something..."

Emily lists several lies that many of us believe. Here are the two I identified with the most: "If you serve in the church, then you will be acceptable. If you keep your house clean, then you will be a good wife." Take note, I am possibly the worst housekeeper ever. Not that my house should be on Hoarders or anything. I just have something my dad calls "flat surface disease." Meaning if there's a flat surface (besides and sometimes including the floor) it's covered with something.

"The second thing that...Satan told the woman, "You will be like God" Although the man and woman did not realize that because they were created by God, "they already were like God."

"They didn't just want to be like God, bearing his image [they already had that]. They wanted to be God, self-sufficient and independent." Isn't that what we still strive for?

The First Hiding

Emily explains that shortly, probably even minutes, after Adam and Eve ate the fruit, the first mask was made. This one of fig leaves. She also explains that this was done because...

"They chose...to depend on something other than God to get their needs met."

"I hide behind my positive emotions rather than let you see my reality." Because many times this feels like the best alternative for me. I've let people see the reality and they've gone running the other way. I've been hurt too often, so it takes WAYYYYY longer than it should for me to trust someone enough to let them see my ugly. I do this without realizing that..."I have to come out of hiding in order to be found. To be healed. To be whole."

I have to share this excerpt...because if you're a good girl too, this could change your perspective on the masks we wear:

"The Spirit and the flesh are in opposition. It doesn't matter if your flesh looks bad or good; it opposes the Spirit within you, and this struggle and rob us from living out of our true, Jesus-made identity. Know this begs the question: How could this good girl possibly expect to please God by depending on her masks, or her flesh, if the flesh opposes the Spirit of God?" Definitely some meat to chew on there...

The First Finding

"They [Adam and Eve] needed more than a place to hide; they needed forgiveness and they needed life. God lovingly, graciously, and miraculously provided both." Isn't this what I need day in and day out too, but fail to realize it? But God doesn't just stop there. "He took away the hiding place they crafted for themselves and made for them a new one on his terms. Mercy protects. Grace provides." I can't think of a better protection and provision plan. Can you?

The Hiding Place of Shame

"Guilt is used by God to show us our need for him." I have NEVER thought about it this way.

"Guilt is a good thing, a God-reminder when things aren't right and an opportunity to change them. Shame is what happens when we let guilt fester and sink deeper and don't deal with it." In this case, the difference of shame and guilt, ignorance isn't bliss, this knowledge is.

"...instead of taking our inabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings to God, we choose to try to deal with sin ourselves and hide behind try-hard masks." How often do I try to "fix" the problem areas in my life rather than surrendering? Why do I do this? Oh, that's right because it's painful and I don't want to feel the pain. Little do I realize I have to go through the pain to get to the beautiful.

The Hiding Place of Grace

Emily explains that the cross actually has 2 sides. The side on which Christ died which bears our blood, shame and sin. What we often don't realize (or aren't taught) is that the other side shows us the way to life.

"The first side is where most good girls live. We know about the forgiveness, about the sin and the blood and the death of Christ. But we aren't as familiar with the body side. So we live on the forgiveness side and try hard to get the life." Yep...definitely me.

I love love love this simple sentence. "We have been placed into safety." Yet, I often don't live like I have been. I am still scared to take the next step forward in something hard because it's not safe, but "God has provided a better way and because of that, there is a new way to live."

And that way is to follow Christ. Not only into his death, but also into his life. Yet we so often dwell on his death because that's where he took our sins and made us clean and we fail to realize that he also rose again to new life and that's really where we should be dwelling. Learning how to live after we died to our sins...because after all, Christ lives now and he also died for my sins.

Learning from a River

"Gods desire is that we live in freedom and drink from the wide, deep, powerful River of Life. The masks we hide behind keep us from experiencing the fullness of life the way we were meant to live it."

So as we go about this week, will we choose to allow God to find us and believe in the new life we already have? Or are we going to continue hiding and try to gain the life that Satan wants to fool us into believing we have to earn it?

Painfully Beautiful

At one point in time or another each of us has probably heard the phrase "beauty from ashes". Most often you'll hear this from someone who has found the beauty in a rough time, or God has pulled them from rock bottom and set them in a higher, more beautiful place then they were before. It like finding yourself seeing the beauty in all the things around you even though your situation is horrible. Then there are times when everything is peachy and you don't find yourself in the "ashes". Normally, it's harder to find the beauty in those times, at least in my experience.

Last week, I posted on a friend's blog about surrender being  completely dependent upon trust. If you've read my writing for any amount of time, I'm sure you know that trust of any sort, toward anyone, comes extremely hard for me.

Worship this morning was painfully beautiful for me. I know that seems like an oxymoron, but if you're like me, when God moves it is just that. It's painful yet beautiful at the same time.

Isn't it usually?:

the most painful things turn into the most beautiful

the hardest things to start are the easiest to keep going

the most feared tasks become the most loved

the worst of all trials turn into the biggest blessings

So, why then are we so terrified fearful to take the next step if we can't see the whole picture? To completely surrender because we're scared to trust? To love without abandon those who may not have someone else to love them?

Perhaps, it's because we've been burned once and we're afraid that if we did it, then our entire being will get scorched. Maybe, [more realistically for me] it's because we're scared that the initial pain won't be worth the final result.

When I was sitting in church today, this song was playing and I find myself on my knees, completely overwhelmed. It was here that I got my first taste of surrender. It was extremely painful to completely surrender, but when I looked past the pain I could see and feel something beautiful coming.

I may have to wait to see the finished concept of beauty, but I am confident that if I can turn my life into a constant surrender (second-by-second, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, year-by-year) I am confident that a little more of the beauty with each passing trial until, one day, in Heaven, I'll be able to see the entire picture, the beauty of everything coming together.

So to describe today I'm going to use two words that may seem like an oxymoron, but are truly something amazing when put together. My phrase for today [and hopefully the description of my life] is:

Painfully Beautiful

Is there a phrase that may seem odd to others that fits your situation, your day, your year or even your life?

5 Minute Friday: Color

Today, linking up with Lisa Jo for another 5 minute Friday.

It's been a while since I've participated, so to remind myself--and some of you who are new to the idea, of the rules:

1. Write for a solid 5 minutes


2. No editing allowed, simply write.


3. Have fun.

This weeks topic is:

COLOR

My time starts

NOW

Color is something that has a lot of significance in our culture today. Whether it be the color of your skin, your car, your clothes, you wedding dress, or the "color" of your mood.

Lets go with wedding dress. Most women want a traditional white wedding dress. Then there are some who want something that isn't so traditional. Some use it as a symbol of their still being pure on their wedding day. Others just go with something because it looks good. While others still have other reasons for choosing the one they did.

My dress was a mix of traditional and the not-so-traditional. I wanted a white dress, but each one I tried on didn't seem to fit me because I wasn't what is typically represented with the color white.

I must have tried on dozens, until I tried on this one....

I loved it. It didn't dawn on me until a few months ago exactly why I love it so much. The crimson at the brim trickles down and eventually leads to a pure white dress. This so represents what Christ does for me. He pours his blood out on me and makes my sin white as snow.

STOP

Will you join us and share your thoughts on color?

Thirsty Thursday: Post 8

This week, I've had a lot of momentum to write. Perhaps it's the excitement of the new site, or maybe it's because the Spirit's moving that much inside of me. Oh how I hope pray that it's the latter.

I'm here again with a thirsty thursday post. Last week we discussed the name changes of Abram and Sarai. We know them better as Abraham and Sarah because of what we discussed in this post.

This week we are going to go through the first half of chapter 18. The second half is the start to another story, so we'll cover that and another chapter or two next time.

The first thing we read is about the Lord appearing to Abraham in the form of three visitors. As far as I can tell the only way that we know it's the Lord is because we are told that it is. My first thought was..."how in the world does Abraham instinctively know who it is coming to him."

As soon as he reaches the guests, he asks them to join him for a meal. Abraham's primary reaction wasn't what can I do for you, what chore are you on, or even what am I supposed to do. His reaction was to be a host, to do to them better than what he would want done for himself.

During the meal preparation, the men begin to ask Abraham about his wife, Sarah. It is then that they tell Abraham that Sarah will have a child come a year from then. Little did Abraham know, Sarah was right outside the door and heard the whole thing.

Sarah's reaction? Laughter, she found it comical. I mean, wouldn't you? To be nearly one hundred and to be told that you are going to have a child. I know I'd have a hard time stifling the laugh as well. When Sarah was asked why she laughed, she denied it. She should have known that these guests were Bigger than she. Yet something did not click in her mind. So she  did the only thing she knew to do, she lied.

All the guests said to was, "yes you did laugh." Then they left it at that. Letting the course of events over the next year do all the talking.

Those are the events we'll discuss next week.

How about you? If you were in Sarah's spot, what would your reaction had been?

Grace for the Good Girl Chapters 8 and 9

I know, I know, I've already posted on this since the start of the week. However, today is the day that several of us are posting what we've learned from the book so far. And today....I'm totally caught up with the rest after a late start!



Chapter 8: picket fences

This chapter is all about comfort zones and how good girls use them to keep their strength strong.

Emily starts out telling a story of a little girl trying to make a decision between the "fun" colored pencils and the "wise" coloring book. She describes the pros and cons the father of the little girl gives for both objects. While it's obvious to the reader that he's suggesting the coloring book, we're not so sure the little girl sees it too. The story ends with the little girl choosing the fun over the wise. Which leads Emily to contemplate what she would have done. Here are some of the thoughts that stuck out to me as I read:

"As a kid, I was too concerned about making the "right" choice, the choice that would please the most people. I did not give myself permission to make the fun choice when the outcome didn't matter."

I don't know about you, but I'm with Emily here. As a kid, my parents absolutely HATED taking me shopping. I was a very indecisive kid. The word indecisive is even an understatement. I seriously could not pick between two shirts, each a different color. These shirts were exactly the same the only difference was the color. My mind would always go through: "What color would make me more happy?" "What  color would I wear more often?" "What color will my sister not wear?" (although she's 3 years younger than me, we have worn the same size for as long as I could remember.) I would go through these questions over and over and over until my parents would just pick one for me and throw it in the cart, leading to an emotional breakdown from me. Have I mentioned that I am the emotional kid of the family?

Sissy's Story

This story is about a girl who was spunky while she was dating, then after they got married, she fell into a mold of what she thought the "perfect wife" would be. It wasn't until her husband mentioned that he liked the woman that had her own thoughts, opinions and hobbies that she realized what had happened.

[On frustration lists] "It is the one filled with all those things that bother you that you haven't dared bring up, the things you have been saving for such a time as this. it is your defense list, your ammunition for protection."

Anatomy of a Mask

"You feel lonely, unimportant, and not-as-good-as, while at the same time you experience feelings of deep resentment toward those who always turn to you. You have trained people to think you have no needs, but you are secretly angry with them for believing you." As I hate to admit it, this happens to me a lot. Primarily with those who are "fair-weather friends". The ones who want you to stick by them through the good and bad, but when your life hits the hard, they run. I've had several friend who always expected me to be there for them, but when I shared that I needed them to be there for me, they run--fast.

To Be Close

Emily talks about the story of Jarius. His daughter was very ill and Jarius comes to Jesus BEGGING and pleading for him to come see his daughter, because he knows Jesus can heal her. At the same time a woman who had been bleeding for most of her life was in the crowd and knew that with only one touch she would be healed permanently. But she didn't want to go up to him and risk the humiliation. So she sneaks up behind him and touches the hem of his robe. You see, you and I are a lot like her: "She had great faith but little self esteem. She felt both desperate and invisible."

"To be healed, there had to be a touch. And for a tough, they had to be close. Hiding behind a comfortable zone of perceived safety is not an option. Good girls are no exception."

Taking the Risk: What Will They Think of Me

"I have missed out on a lot of freedom because of my hear of rejection. We may call it "people pleasing," but it is entirely self-serving because it is really all about keeping myself comfortable. Boiled down, it could be more accurately called "me pleasing." Ouch!

Chapter 9: when it gets ugly (hiding behind her indifference)

This chapter refers a lot to the story of the prodigal son. If you haven't read it please do now. If you have read it, I'd encourage you to refresh your mind on what it says.

"...if you are working in your own strength, then who gets the credit? You do. If you aren't being rewarded for your hard work, who gets offended? You do. If things aren't going the way they should, who gets angry? You guessed it.

Straight from my ugly

"I have issues. I still believe the crazy lie that God's acceptance of me is based on my performance. I'm still living in a small story that is all about me." And that's the painfully ugly truth of it.

The Prodigal Question

"As much as I wanted to be all rejoice-y and Jesus-y about the way the Father unconditionally accepts the prodigal back into the family, I am secretly and personally offended that this boy could be so irresponsible, thoughtless, immoral, and selfish and still be welcomed home."

"We hide behind this mask of indifference, pretending it doesn't bother us, because the only alternative is to face the source of the anger and what we are afraid to admit we believe: How can he choose to reward them and ignore me?" Haven't I thought this more times then I really feel comfortable admitting?

Reluctant Kinship

"The son refused to go in, so the father came out. And in the same way the father met the prodigal while he was still a long way off, the father met this older son while he stood outside the door." Refreshing thought huh?

"He refuses to admit the relationship. He refuses to accept that they are kin." My thought when I read this was..."what if Jesus would do this to us when we get to heaven?

"We already have the love and acceptance of our Father, so why do we try so hard to earn it? The older son missed out on the blessings and freedom to be found in his own home and chose to hid behind his anger instead." So often I find myself in similar shoes. I look around and see everyone who makes the wrong choices getting what looks to be the easy life, while I find myself struggling most days to keep myself afloat. 

Grace for the Good Girl & Update

Today, I'm going to cover chapters 6 and 7. Which means I'm almost...almost caught up with the few other bloggers I'm that are going through this book as well. So let's dive right in.

Chapter 6:

"If the rules are ambiguous or not known, it's worse. I am nervous and hesitant to let my kids play on school playground after school because I fear there may be a rule against that." Boy do I have these same fears. When I start a new job, switch to a different church, or even at the store.

"When you are a good girl who finds your identity in your performance, then mistakes mean punishment." This is the reason I find myself walking on egg shells all the time. Instead of walking around in confidence, I find myself walking around in the fear that something I do or say will result in negative consequences.

When Good Things Turn Bad

"The mindset with which i typically approached my walk with God was one of attempting victory but secretly expecting defeat." I wonder if this is why even some of my best laid out intentions ended up never working the way I had hoped...hmm.

"Instead of facing the failure and allowing the law to show me my need for a Savior, I consoled my failure with new and improved intentions to prove myself by myself."

"Rarely, if ever, did i experience rest simply because I knew I was loved with an ever lasting love by my Creator."

The Real Purpose of the Law

"A person won't seek help until they are aware of their need."

"The law was designed to expose our heart condition, to make us see our guilt. It was never meant to make us righteous." 

"...the secret of the law was not to prove our inadequacy for God's sake. It was to prove our inadequacy for our sake."

The Mask of Law, the Face of Grace

"The law was given to lead the unbeliever to her Savior, not for the believer to try to keep it."

"The reason we hid is because we fear if we come out from behind it, we don't be enough. And the truth is, apart from Christ, we won't."

A Better Hope

"...there is a difference between the discipline of sitting down with God and the pleasure of knowing his voice."  Learning the pleasure of God's voice is something I need to work on doing better and more consistently.

"You and I can now go to him in freedom and joy, not to gain favor but because we already have it. We are fee to draw near rather than to try to please from afar." And there's true freedom in the knowledge of that.

Chapter 7:

"My dad quit drinking when I was still young." I was 8 when my dad quit drinking. While there was some extenuating circumstances that caused it, I am still thankful. I was still young enough that I don't have too many memories of when he was drinking. 

"If people in my family [or my circle of friends] aren't getting along, I feel the weight of it and believe it is my job to do something about it."

"It's those blurry things that trip me up, the things that perhaps I could have changed or had some type of influence in the outcome. Those decisions are the ones that paralyze me, causing me to constantly question if I'm doing enough, saying just the right thing, and handling life the way I ought to be."

On Being Responsible

"I can tell you how weakness is the door to strength and how Jesus calls us to a life of weakness so that he can be strong. And I believe it. For you."

" "Weak" is not a four-letter bad word. Hiding behind a mask of strength and responsibility is a lonely place to live. That maks portrays to the world around us that we have it all together, that we can handle the mess, that we don't need people, or worse, that we don't need God."

Ragamuffin Good Girls

"...admitting weakness is the very doorway the Lord uses to lead the tired good girl to a place of rest." Such a peaceful place of rest.

Trust Transplant

"...you know the fine art of how to be vulnerable enough so people believe you are authentic, but not so vulnerable that all your mess hangs out. You know how to be vulnerable with boundaries." This one caused me to sit back and think. Then come to the reality that, unless I am one on one with a person (and even then sometimes), I have an extremely hard time being completely vulnerable with someone.

"I am in desperate need of someone to depend on other than myself, I need a trust transplant."

This is where the rub lays in this chapter. Trust, such a fickle thing. When it's been so abused it's hard to give all my trust to something, or someone. Even though I know that God will NEVER let me down, it's still hard for me to place all my trust in Him sometimes.

Update: 

In yesterday's post I mentioned getting back to the gym. Today I got up and went to the gym. I find the lights off, a note on the door saying they've closed and a padlock on the door.  So, I guess I'm looking for a gym for the first time in over a year. I looked into the YMCA, but it's just too expensive for us right now.

The fast is still going all right. Last night I started craving something besides fruits, vegetables and water. I haven't given in yet, but am thinking that the next few days will start to get difficult, but I am determined to persevere.

Fruits and Vegetables...

So, today is the fourth full day of only eating fruits and vegetables while only drinking water. The only things I've added in, in very small amounts would be oil (mainly vegetable or olive) and normal spices.

So far, it's been going pretty well. I did notice that the only time I didn't feel terribly hungry between "meals" was when I was at church this morning. Worshiping the giver of everything satisfied the physical hunger as well as the spiritual this morning. It was an amazing feeling.

The original plan was to go all the way through Saturday evening, but I think I'm going to shorten it by about 12 hours, to breakfast of the 10th. The reason behind that is that we have a family Christmas near Indianapolis . So I have 5 days left.

I plan on getting my behind back to the gym tomorrow, for at least 30 minutes and then try to get there 3 or 4 more times during the week. The tricky thing will be to continue that pattern after this week is over. Motivation doesn't come easily when it's soo cold outside of my blankets and soooo warm under them.

I did a similar fast earlier in the year, but was not able to do it at all. I think it has a lot to do with the motivation behind it. Before I was doing it because a "friend" asked me if I wanted to. This time is different. This time I felt called to do so. I think that makes a HUGE difference.

Grace for the Good Girl Chapter 5

A group of us are reading through Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. We all link up with Christina (it's typically on Monday's but I'm a little behind, so I'm going to post on it today).  Today I'm going to cover chapters five and six.

As usual the colors mean:

• Quotes from the Book


• My add-ons


• My Story

Chapter 5: Martha and my many things

This chapter is based off of the story of Mary and her sister Martha. If you haven't read it, please do so now.

"It's not the nature of what you do that determines the spirituality of any action, but the origin of what you do."

"If what I do is done in complete dependence upon the Father, then it doesn't matter what the thing is, rather who the one is doing that thing. Is it me? Or is it Him? Colossians says that by faith it is beautifully and mysteriously both.

Now, I don't know about you, but I tend to think that I am more spiritual because I am typically quick to volunteer. I think next time, I'll take time to examine why I do it. Is it for God? Or is it to earn "brownie points" with someone else?"

Defending Martha: What She Got Right

"I see myself as irreplaceable when I think that the work won't get done unless I do it." Boy does this lead to over-committing myself and my time.

Martha, Martha: Where She Went Wrong

"Worship, not work, flows out of the hearts of those who believe[in Christ]"Am I the only one the winced when she read this?

"We know we're supposed to trust God, but trust is so intangible. It almost seems passive in the face of all there is to do." Emily put into words things that I have only subconsciously thought to myself.

"She longed for acknowledgement and love, and was willing to do anything to get it." I can't help but to think of all the times I have worked my tail off just to earn an "atta girl from someone around me."

How Jesus Changes Everything

"Choosing to please God sounds right at first, but it so often leads to a performing life, a girl trying to become good, a lean-on-myself theology. If I am trying to please God, it is difficult to trust God. But when I trust, pleasing Him is automatic. 

If we are pleasing instead of trusting then we tend to get impatient waiting for the answers to our requests or problems. When we get impatient, we tend to think we're doing something wrong, or something that  displeased God. When we start feeling guilty, it leads us to move to performing to "regain his pleasure".

How about you? Are you a Mary? Or a Martha? Why would you say that?

New blog!

Hello friends!

I am excited to say that my new site is up and running. While I'll still be doing some updating and basic format changes while I settle in to the new site, I've got it up and running anyway.

So I wanted to take the chance to explain the website name. For those of you who have been following me on my old site for a while, I'm sure you know that my name means beloved.  So that's where the first part came from. I really wanted to use something that described my search to know God better. As I scrambled through the words that could be used, I searched and searched. Then I landed on pursuit, that was the one that kept coming to my mind.

I look forward to the work God will be doing through this blog and cannot wait to get started! But for now, I'm off to work!

Changes happening...

Hey all,

I just wanted to let you know that over the course of the next week or so, I'm going to be switching from blogger to WordPress. Not only that, but I am creating a new domain name. It's going to be www.belovedpursuit.com. I hope you will all join me over there. I look forward to chatting with you all again soon in the new format. Look for updates on my Facebook page or on my twitter page as well. I'm excited to get to the next branch of my writing, and my ministry.

Chat with you soon, friends.

Amy

Thirsty Thursday: Post 7

So...I've decided that I cannot start these with week __. Primarily because I rarely have the time to actually write them every week. So I'm going to call them post __ and try my hardest to write one each week, but not repeatedly kick myself over not posting it.

Today, we're going to discover God's plan to redeem his people. Since the original plan didn't work out, we knew that He had to have another plan. So let's take a look at Genesis 17 and see what God wants to reveal to us today.

Chapter 17 starts with God appearing to Abram. God immediately give him a command. He said to Abram,

"Walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers." (Vs 1-2)

Notice God doesn't say try to be blameless, he just says do it. Those two words are probably most hated in our society. We always want to ask the whys, the hows, the is it possibles? We often fail to realize that when we're told to do it, it means simply that. Do. If we are faithful to follow, He is faithful and will uphold His end of it.

Abram knows well enough that when God speaks, you react. Abram chose to fall down in reverence to God. It was at this point that God takes the opportunity to change Abram's name...Sarai's too.

Abram is defined as exalted father. His new name Abraham means father of many. God explains to Abraham that his new name will be fully lived up to. Now, at the age of 99, Abram found himself laughing at the thought. I mean, really, would your reaction be any different?

He was also informed that his wife's name would no longer be Sarai. Her name would then be Sarah. For she would be the mother of nations.

These new names were to serve as a personal symbol of God's promise to make them parents of a great nation, the parents of all mankind from then forward. The external/visible sign was to be circumcision.

Verse 23 shows Abraham's immediate response. The very SAME day he took all the males in his household and had them circumcised--including himself. I can feel all the men reading this wince simultaneously.

While Abraham still had his doubts about the idea of having a child at his age, his faith in God to keep his promises was strong enough that it compelled him into action when God made a request.

The challenge for us in all of this is to show similar faith as Abraham does here. Even if the call doesn't make sense to us, we should find our faith and trust in God strong enough that we take the step anyway.

How about you? What would faith like Abraham's look like in your life? Are you willing to put that faith into action? If not, what might be stopping you, would you share that we might pray with you?

Just a couple things...

First off...today is the day of birth for my other better half. It's hard to believe that this is the 6th birthday we've been together for. It seems like just last year that I was sneaking around behind his back trying to figure out who to invite to the surprise 18th birthday party. Making the plans, syncing up everyone's arrival before Kevin got there, stashing him at a friends house all day. Then, to see him come through the door, without a clue as to what was going on, that look was priceless. Today, he's 24, we've been together for 6 of them, married for 2. With each day that goes by I still am learning new and disturbing exciting things about the man I married. I'm looking forward to the next, oh 50 or so years.

Second agenda, my accountability partner and I are now in Daniel in our journey to read the entire bible in a year. As I was reading, I came across the 10 day fast that Daniel and a few others were instructed by God to do. To eat only fruits and vegetables, and to drink only water. As I was reading, I heard two words...do it. So, starting tomorrow, going through the 10th of the month, I plan to do just that. Fasting from everything except fruits, vegetables, and water. I bring this before you, not to say look at me, but to ask that you join me in a prayer for strength as I go through this. Since I know all of you are great when it comes to needing support and encouragement, I knew, just knew, that I can depend on you to help me.

Grace for the Good Girl Chapters 3 and 4

Chapter 3

Okay, this chapter floored me. Each and every sentence I read, I thought that Emily was talking about my life. In every area. With that being said, here are the parts that jumped out at me.

Colors mean:

• Quotes from the Book
• My add-ons
• My Story

"As a girl who accepted Jesus at a young age, I couldn't relate. In fact, I admit to sometimes wishing I had a few years of rebellion under my belt. Then my story would be interesting and dramatic too."

There are a couple years that I consider my "rebellion". Even though, in today's society it didn't look like what most would consider a rebellion. I didn't party at a young age, I didn't drink an ounce of alcohol until 3 weeks before I turned 21. I didn't get caught up in doing drugs. I wasn't sleeping with anyone and everyone. 


So what was my rebellion? When the first semester of college was coming to an end, I had decided to come home for good (there's a story there, which I'll tell later). Kevin and I had been together for about 2.5 years and had just gotten engaged. He'd been living on his own for several months now, and we decided to just have me move in together. 


Moving in together included everything (everything) that came along with living in the same apartment--in the same room. No matter how many times we denied it, we fell into the oh so common area of sin that most people in a relationship fall into. We fell into the area of sexual sin. This is the first time I've been able to honestly admit it to more than a select few people, because I was trying to maintain my good girl reputation. After all "I put a lot of confidence in myself and in my good reputation."

"I believed my role in the family was to be the good girl, the one who never got into trouble, the one with the admirable reputation. I had an overwhelming compulsion to confess to my mother [everything except what my true actions were between the time I came home from school and the time Kevin and I got married...even though everyone assumed it was true.] I remember sitting next to her knowing I couldn't carry the burden of my disobedience any longer..."

"I was a good girl desperate for male attention. It  could have been because I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father, or it could have just been because I was human." [And I thought I was the only one who grew up in this situation.]

"...the good girl is in deep danger of being her own compass rather than having a softened heart to the leading of God as he speaks through his Word, friends, or family members. I'm sure I've disregarded these things due to the fact that I was doing all right on my own, so I figured I had it all figured out. 

"The thing about bloggins is you get to put your best foot forward. You get to edit and delete and ponder before you actually say anything. You get to manage your own reputation." That and it's easier to admit mistakes because you don't have to see the initial reaction of those reading when you do make a mistake.

 "Character refers to who you are. Reputation refers to who people think you are."

 [About Jesus] "Knowing there were peopole who disagreed, even hated him, didn't cause him to change one thing he did. He wasn't working to maintain a good reputation. He was walking in dependence on his Father. Jesus didn't value what people thought; he valued people, period.

 Chapter 4


This chapter is mainly about the term "fine" and how we often, too often, hide behind it. This was another powerful chapter.

"However, many good girls have a natural disposition of sweetness that can morph into a mask of false happiness and steal authentic joy that comes from the Lord." I've felt this struggle my entire life.

"I was a human chameleon and I didn't even know it." This can describe a good portion of my child/teenage years.

"I can't tell you how many times I have stood dumbfounded and wimpy in the middle of a heated discussion only to tell the person off while alone in my car on the way home. I sound so tough alone in my car. 

 "There is no place in the Bible where it says emotions are categorized as right or wrong [good or bad]. Still, for a good girl in hiding, it feels risky to be honest about them. [Especially when she grew up with a step-parent who got angry and punished at any sign of emotion]. Honest could ruffle feathers. Honest could reveal differing opinions. Honest could disrupt your perception of me. Honest could ruin my carefully laid-back image. That is the image we care about the most.

"The longer I hide behind fine, the easier it is to convince myself I am fine. I can coast that way for a while, until I start to get cranky and irritable and cross." 

"Good girls don't like that our Bible says there is a time to hate and a time for war. So we take it out." --no matter how many times I read this in Ecclesiastes, I almost always skim over the bad and focus on the good sides of it, never really made sense to me until now.

"Our fluctuating humanness is there on purpose, to remind us of our need to draw us to the One who can meet it. We don't have to figure out the whys and origins of every swinging emotion. But it is important that we admit that they are there."

 Are you a good girl? Or do you think you are? Have you started reading Grace for the Good Girl? If so, feel free to share your thoughts. If not, I'd encourage you to do so and please, feel free to share your thoughts on this post. :)

Reflections

Today, as I sit back and look on the events of Thanksgiving day, the only thought that  comes through my mind is, where did it go to? I wake up at 8:00am and the first time I look at the clock it's 9:00am. Then the next thing I know, it's 2:00pm. I turn around again and it's dinner time, then a hop, skip and a jump later, it's 9:00pm. I found myself in my room by 11:30pm, exhausted. Asleep by 1:00a...I know that seems like I a long time to be awake after going upstairs to relax, but that's normal for me.

I'm sure that the scenario above might sound like your day..well except, maybe for the asleep at 1a. My Thanksgiving day wasn't a typical one for me, and it wasn't one I was looking forward to either. This year, instead of going to my several family gatherings, I was at work...all day (9:00a-9:00p).

The thing is, looking back, I don't think I would change this option for the world. It's not that I didn't miss my family, because I did...more than anything. It's not because I enjoy my job, even though I do...immensely. I truly think it's because for the first time in five years, I was able to relax on Thanksgiving day. Yep, you heard right, I was able to relax even though I was at work.

I work in a group home that houses eight men, fifty-five and older. Each of them has some sort of developmental disability. The thing that was different about yesterday is that we had only five of them. Of those five, two spend quite a bit in their time, one sits in a chair all day. Which leaves two guys that we typically have to watch. One went early in the day to get something that would keep him occupied all day.

Which drops it down to one guy. He's, perhaps, the hardest one to keep occupied. After all, he is our client with autism. If you know anything about people who have autism, they do not sit still for long...if at all. Even so, he was a little wound up at first, but after lunch he calmed down. Meaning we had peace for the rest of the day.

So, we were able to actually sit down, after all, the only thing that was left to do was to keep up on laundry. We made a simple lunch that used very few dishes, so we didn't have a ton of those to wash either. I went to the store and picked up our pre-cooked dinner. It only needed reheated. I put the turkey in at 3:00p and started the rest of it around 4:30p. By 5:15p we were eating dinner. Then, by 7 we were back to only having laundry to finish.

So, while I missed my family, I can honestly say that I did not miss the craziness of trying to make it to each and every family event. After-all, since both my husband and I come from divorced families, trying to keep track of all the gatherings can make us crazy some years. While we're learning to pick and choose our stops and have gotten better about juggling it all each year, we still end up exhausted at the end of it...not to mention stuffed from all the fantastic food too.

I can honestly say that I would not change the fact that I worked all day for anything. That is because even though I was at work we didn't have a lot of actual work that needed done. The best part? When my boss called to check up on us...I mentioned we were just having a chill-day, she was all for it! Can you say (to steal a word from my younger sister)....

WIN!

So as I look ahead to today and tomorrow, what do I see? More work. I have an eight hour day today and a twelve hour day tomorrow. Then finally a break for a day before going at it again next week. My total hours for this week will be in the 60-65 range...I know I'm nuts. Rather than going into work the next couple days bummed that I can't just stay home and chill with my sister, dad and husband, I'm going to try to look at it as a chance to do something I love. A chance to make a different in each of these men. So here's to the wrap-up of a long week.

Oh, I say thanksgivings day rather than thanksgiving because I truly believe that we should live a life of thanksgiving, and if we're doing that, the only difference about the last Thursday in November is the fact that we get together with friends or family and eat some amazing food.

How was your Thanksgiving day?

GFTGG: Chapter 2

Today I am going to cover chapter 2 of Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. 

If you missed my overviews of the prologue and chapter 1 feel free to join me here and then come back. The more I read through this chapter, the more I felt like Emily had been given a magnifying glass right into my life, the struggles of my heart. Now, I'm an extremely emotional mess person (ask my family if you don't believe me, especially my husband) but not once has a book or movie actually moved me to full, real tears. I'm here to admit that this chapter did just that.

As last time, the quotes from the book will be in red and my add ons will be in black. {new} Glimpses into my story will be in purple. Join me, would you? Chapter 2: Chasing Expectation

"...our masks mix with our personality and circumstance. Before we know it we don't really know who we are, and nobody else does either." 

This one hit me square between the eyes. I grew up hiding behind masks...a lot. Some were to protect those I cared about the most, others were to keep myself from getting hurt from anyone and everyone. It wasn't until recently that I've discovered just how hindering these masks had become. These masks have lead me into asking annoying questions of those around me that were meant to help me see my worth to them boost my self esteem.


Expectations and Definitions

"I don't like to fail and I certainly don't want you to know I've failed. And I'm embarrassed at the predictable pattern that my life has become."

Never does it fail when I make a mistake--no matter how small--when it comes to fessing up to it, I struggle with keeping my emotions at bay. Apologizing and admitting I'm wrong or have done something wrong was never something I was taught how to do...at least not well.


The Good Girl

"I had a good reputation to uphold, a sweetness to protect, an important list of rules to follow, an a long list of people to please."

"Good girls are good listeners. Good girls are always there for everyone. Good girls don't get mad. Good girls are laid-back. Good girls roll with the punches, go with the flow, follow the leader."

"...life was a constant battle of trying to get something I didn't think I had, of trying to become who Jesus wanted me to be, of trying to become a better version of myself."

Does someone have a mirror? If so, point it right at me. These quotes describe my thoughts, motives, actions...word-for-word.

A Better Way

"When we believe that God expects us to try hard to become who Jesus wants us to be, we will live in that blurry frustrating land of Should Be rather than trust in The One Who Is."

This one I shared my thoughts on before I read this. Not so much on what we believe, but how our language effects how we live. This happened to fall right in place with this post.

"We must work hard to perform for acceptance, and most of the time we don't even realize we are doing it."

 Lucy's story


I honestly thought that Emily was telling part of my story, only changing the name...

"Things were not as they should be. Little girls are to be protected. They should not have to protect themselves."

"Rather than collapse in despair or self-pity, she chose instead to craft a mask of strength and responsibility."

"Behind my her masks of strength, responsibility, and good performance, she was a tangled mess. And I she was all alone." 

"As good girls, we subconsciously label ourselves as the strong ones, the responsible ones, the sweet ones, or the right ones...But Jesus is calling us to a deeper, truer, freer identity."

I could go into depth on each of these and some day, I just might. Using (at least) these four sentences to let you in on a little more of my life, my childhood, my story and Christ's work through it.

If you're as blessed as I am in being able to read this book, would you join this community and share your growth and learning as you take this journey coming out from under the expectations of good girls? I'd love to hear your thoughts, input, or whatever else you feel lead to share.

Can anyone say 2X4???

It's been one of those weeks. You know the ones, when the same annoying much needed lesson keeps coming across your mind. All of the sources are completely and totally spontaneous. The first doesn't know the second, nor does the second know the third, and so on. This weeks topic?

Grace

If any of you know me, or can tell from some of my writings. I can be a very stubborn, hard-headed person. I know, I know, hard to believe right? Not if you ask my husband. 

So I recently picked up a book that I've been reading about EVERYWHERE. Most of my blogger friends have been reading it and the more I read what they had to say about it, the more my spirit was telling me that I needed to pick it up. When I saw that one one of the local stores has it on sale right now for $7 (half off!!), I took advantage of the sale.

I started reading it last week, and I am already feeling the growing pains start.  I only covered the prologue and chapter one this time because I am only about halfway through chapter 2. I've been taking it only a couple pages at a time so I can get as much out of it as possible. Don't worry, I'm sure I'll have many other posts with excerpts from the book. :)  Here are a couple big points that have almost literally kicked me in the gut.

In the prologue of the book, titled The Hiding. Even before we jump into chapter one.

"Behind the mask (any mask), you are just a woman who longs to believe that Jesus [really] makes a difference, but you have had difficulty collecting the evidence of it in your own life."

Diving into chapter one. Are you a good girl in hiding?

"I long to be seen, but I feel safe when I'm invisible."

"What about the girl in the middle? I fear I fall through the cracks because my story draws no attention."  (This one hit hard, extremely hard, I'll share more on this later.)

"You never experienced a period of rebellion, at least not one that is worthy to be told as a life-changing testimony. Maybe you are an optimist, someone who seems to see the good in everything and everyone." (Yep...that's me, been hurt beyond belief being that way too...yet I keep chugging along in the same manor.)

"I put all my confidence in the things that were awesome about myself and tried to hide the things that weren't. If Jesus fit in there somewhere, well then that was nice. But if he didn't, I was doing okay on my own anyway. That is, until I wasn't." (Even if I wasn't, it's not like I was  willing to share that part with anyone anyway)

"In the mind of God, in his vision for the world, in his idea for the universe, he made you to go in it. He had in mind a particular you. A true you. An authentic, accurate expression of himself. A woman who is more than just a watered-down version of good."

All these quotes are taken directly from Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman. Any parenthesis or emphasis is completely mine. I chose to do the quotes in red because that is the color of all my underlining in the book. I chose red initially because red is the color of the blood that Jesus chose to shed on the cross. So, in my mind red, is the color of grace.

So, that was source one of my 2X4 message. The next came via e-mail from a blogger friend I've followed for quite some time now. In this post, she is discussing the difference between being right and being well. If you're a fellow good girl, then you know you want to be both. As Lisa explains, sometimes you simply cannot be both right and well, it's about which is more important to us.

The third source came once again through e-mail. This time from an entire website dedicated to helping women achieve their best according to God's plan. In their devotional yesterday the writer was talking about being so committed to serving ourselves others for Christ that we forget to simply rest. Many times, I know I feel like I'm not doing enough for the kingdom to show that I truly am a follower of Christ.

The fourth source came via my pastor in church today. We're going through a series right now that is titled, "The Movement". It's a journey through the book of Acts. The message started out today with the oh so familiar story of the Prodigal son...but focused on the other brother...the good brother. We then jump into Acts 15. Discussing the mindset of the legalistic "followers" of that time and comparing that to Christ's mindset.

That seamlessly leads us into the topic of grace. *Whack* I sit there wondering if anyone else just got hit in the head with a 2x4 like I did. Some of the statements that felt like the 2x4 knocked the wind out of me:

"If I obey perfectly, then I am in charge. If it comes down to grace, then Jesus is in charge."

"We're uncomfortable with the fact that grace is FREE, and we want to be able to earn it."

 "Grace isn't like coffee, there's no need to add things to it to make it bearable, it's perfect as it is."

"Grace is NOT opposed to effort. It IS opposed to earning."

 So, these are just a few of the 2x4 moments I've had this week. It's been a challenging week, but I cling to the fact that in the end, nothing will feel better then being able to move past the legalistic minset (where grace needs to be earned) and fall into the Jesus mindset (that grace is free and all I simply have to do is come.)

Join me in my journey to experiencing true grace-based living? What has God been challenging/revealing to you lately?

Time got away

This week has been...well...packed. While I look back and don't know where it went, all I know is that it got a way from me. I wrote my Thirsty Thursday post, but didn't get a chance to sit down and type it out for you guys, so you'll be seeing it next week.

My goal for this weekend: to clean not only my bedroom (it's in dire need) but to also clean the bathroom attached to it. They've both been things that got lost in the midst of the lack of time. So since my other half is at work all day, I'm going to try to tackle those things. :) Wish me luck...I hate hate hate cleaning, but it needs done.

So, hopefully I'll be back to my regular writing schedule next week. I hope everyone's thanksgiving are peaceful and relaxing. As I read today, we all need to make the time to relax...looks like my time to relax will either be tomorrow, or a week from tomorrow.

Blessings friends. :)

Stages of my life

This morning at church we were discussing Paul and Barnabus. Which then lead to a little tangent on mentoring. Last month, as many of you know, I participated in Gab-fest. I started to follow about half a dozen (at least) other 31 day'ers. One of the ones I enjoyed most was the one on mentoring.

This is one subject that I haven't spent a whole lot of time on. However, it has been HUGE in my life, from the time I was 8 and my family and I started attending a church together. From that without consciously knowing it, I was in at least one mentoring relationship or another.

Initially:
The first was in a couple who liked to call me their "adopted granddaughter." They were from our church, they were my Sunday school teachers. He was my parents insurance agent and the first time he came to discuss things with him, I connected with him, which my parents found very unusual because I was the extremely shy child. I wouldn't typically go more than 2 feet from my parents. I can remember sitting with them every Sunday at church. I even remember a time when I was like 9 or 10, I went to the 4th of July fireworks with this couple. This was huge because my family NEVER went to the fireworks, well not the 4th of July ones anyway.

Second:
The next way I can remember being mentored was by another couple from our church. They were the Jr. High Sunday school teachers, youth leaders and when the other couple moved out of town and left our church, this couple kind of stepped in and filled the gap. They've been through SO much together, from medical issues, to spiritual battles fought together.

Still today, even though I don't attend the same church building they do, I still look to them as an example of the type of marriage I hope to be able to kind of imitate. While I know our battles won't be the same, I look to their dedication to each other in all they've been through and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that marriages can make it through anything, that after 20 years and numerous battles love can remain genuine, and that with God on our side we can and will withstand anything that comes our way.

Third:
While the one above is still (kind of) on-going, in middle school, mentoring took a different shape. I guess God knew I was going to need more one on one attention. When I entered Jr high, the small group format had just gotten rearranged, there were some leaders who wanted to start a small group, and some who wanted to phase out, so it just seemed like as good a time as any.

The group I was in was lead by a quiet, quarky, yet amazingly knowledgeable mother of teenagers. There were 3-5 girls assigned to my group, I was the only one to come weekly we had another girl or two who would come every few weeks or start to come regularly for a couple months and then disappear for a while. Which meant I spent most of the small group nights with one-on-one time. During the course of the 4 years I was in her group several things happened:

1. My parents got a divorce
2. My mom got remarried
3. Underwent emotional and mental abuse
4. Spent a lot of time in depression
5. Avoided jumping from relationship to relationship
6. Was lead into a "dating" relationship with a good 

Fourth:
I shared the entire story here, but I will briefly overview it. I have known her since I was 8, over the past 15 years, she's watched me go through numerous hard times, but 2 years ago our relationship shifted from her being the older sister of a kid my age, to her becoming one of my closest friends. A woman I felt comfortable enough to be boldly honest with and knew that it wasn't going any further than her mind heart and prayers. Together we tackled some huge obstacles, and we've both come out to be stronger women for it.

Fifth:
About a year and a half ago (give or take), my husband and I started attending the church linked in above. While it was hard to leave the church I'd grown up in, I was certain beyond the shadow of doubt that this was where God was leading us. Since then, I've met some wonderful people, one I'd started a relationship with, only to have it flop miserably, another I started meeting with on a weekly basis about 8 months ago. While this relationship is more of an accountability relationship than a mentor relationship, I still feel it is equally as important as the other. If it weren't for her, today, I might not have grown as much as I have in the past several months, nor would I have an extremely close friend who has challenged me and allowed me to do the same for her. We have grown in similar ways and had to tackle similar battles, and now, we cannot imagine what we have done in some of those situations had it not been for the other.

Follow-up:
The last two are still on going, and they make my life...interesting to say the least. While one I only meet with every couple of months, and the other I meet with weekly, it hasn't changed the value of each of these relationships for me. If you haven't had one of these relationships in your life, I encourage you to pray and ask God to show you the right person to play this role in your life.

I've been saying for a while that I need to write out and share my story. This is a slight glimpse of it. As always, I am willing to share what God has done in my life with anyone who asks. :)

Blessed Sabbath my friends.