Morning Memories

I woke up this morning to a memory. Not a dream. A memory from my early high school years. One that was supressed for quite a while now.

Growing up, I'd heard about these over nights a group of girls would take. There were stories of laughter, sisterhood, and bonding. I was excited to get to the age to be involved in these trips.

Then I was put in a different group. This group wasnt exactly known as the fun group. One where on a good night, there would be one other girl with me.

There was one year when a glimmer of hope came. Both groups were invited on the outing. The little girl in me was so excited.

Then those hopes were dashed when the invitation was rescinded to all but one. We weren't supposed to know. As things always do, the truth became apparent.

I remember the emotions well: rejection, sadness, hurt, betrayal.

This was another instance that seemed to verify what the world had been echoing to my heart my entire life. You're not good enough. You're not, nor will you be a part of the cool group. You are different. You don't matter to others as much as they matter to you. The list could go on for miles.

Looking back on all that today, I realize that I received something from the group I was in that is invaluable to me today. I received love, stability, grace, understanding, a safe place. In the form of my group leader. All at a time when I couldn't find it anywhere else.

Not only all that but I was taught how to feed myself. I remember going through Genesis chapter by chapter (I think it took the better part of two years to go through it completely). We'd have great discussion on the events that took place within that portion of scripture.

We'd challenge each other. We'd pray with and for each other. We'd laugh together, we'd cry together, we did life together.

She was my first mentor.

Since then I've had a couple mentors and in that time I have faced many of the lies the world threw at me back then. I've learned to challenge them with scripture. I've continued to find ways to challenge myself spiritually. I've purposely sought out at least one other woman to do life with.

Now I know, I am good enough just the way I am. I was made to be different because it's through (in spite of) my quarks that God will work. I am part of the most elite group, God's chosen people. I matter to God and that matters more than anyone else's opinion.

Those are the truths to which I cling.

Atypical October

This October is odd for me.

You see, the last several years I've taken part in a writing challenge with thousands upon thousands of fellow writers. The goal is always to inform others on a topic we're passionate about, while also I spring ourselves into consistent and meaningful writing.

I'll be honest. This year has been brutal. To the point that I just didn't have it in me to even attempt writing 31 days straight. Just the thought exhausts this already over - exhausted gal.

It's not something I've talked about too much on here, mainly because the exhaustion would steal my attempts. When it didnt, the words wouldn't come. Even this post has been written over the course of several days.

Several years back, my doctor suspected I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). You can read up on it here. The most I knew I about it was that it explained my cycle irregularity, weight issues and could interfere with getting, and staying, pregnant.

A few weeks later I was back in her office, pregnant. Hesitant to be excited. After all, I was coming off a recent miscarriage and a few of my friends who had pcos had miscarried several times.

With that first appointment, any further testing/thought of pcos went out the window. As you know, that pregnancy lead to us now having this amazing 2 year old little boy. An unexpected surprise that still unfolds little by little each day.





Fast forward to the start of this year. Our guy had just turned two. A few times a month, about 2-4 times a day for a couple days at a time, I found myself wincing in pain. Each month the pain would get a little more severe and last a little longer.

In June, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS. Since then, we have been doing some trial and error to see if we can get the symptoms under control. Nothing has helped so far.

The next step is proving harder than expected. Changing my eating habits and exercising more. I've done it before, I know I can do it again. I just need to act on the knowledge I already have.

Here's a few things I have learned over the last 9 months or so:

-PCOS isn't just about fertility. It's an endocrine disorder.
-The root cause is a hormone imbalance.
-I have PCOS, it is not who I am.
-Talking to others who have been there helps more than anything.
-Simply talking through it with trusted friends helps bring peace.
-this hormonal imbalance has a role in every single part of my life, whether I want it to or not.

This post isn't a woe-is-me or sympathy plea. It is simply an explanation of what's going on with me. It's a big insight into why I haven't been writing as I normally would.

So if you happen to see me and I'm not my usual self, I ask for grace and understanding. I have this hope though:

Constant

Family, for many is the group of people in which you were raised. For others, it's the group of people who have been chosen as your support group. For few, it includes both of those groups.

I'm one of the lucky ones in the last group. I have had amazing support systems growing up. As a young girl, it was a church family which sustained me when home life was less than predictable. Now, a church family who challenges, encourages, loves and supports us.

While there have been several that have come and gone who I would have considered family at one point, there is one that has remained consistent. Through thick and thin, she's been there. Lucky for me, she falls into both biological family and chosen family.





This lady has been a source of strength for me. Because of her, I have faced some fears I never thought I'd conquer. Always my biggest cheerleader. Even when we have differing opinions, nothing has been able to break the bond.

The last several years have brought huge changes for both of us. Between marriages, a kiddo (who also adores his auntie B) and the all around busyness of life, we've always made the time and always will.

There are so many memories, it would take days to write then all down. From playing together as kids, to our weddings. Each one more special than the last.

For all you've done. For all you're doing. For all you will do. With all that I am, thank you. I love you, Beka! Forever and always. No matter what.

Harder than Anticipated

There's so much I want to share. So few words have come in my heart to be able to do so. It's been a constant struggle as of late.

2015 started off with a challenge. A challenge to really discover who I am. Not just as the facts about me, but to really discover who I was created to be.



A challenge that I never expected to be so difficult. Even though I should have.

This year of self really encompasses just about all of the last several years into one. Recently I've discovered this journey is forcing me to better understand all the words I have been challenged with in the last few years. it's almost like perpetual deja vu.



This feeling, the feeling of deja vu, it's hitting in just about every way.

• Physically-Reacquainting myself with a diagnosis that was a dream changer to begin with. While last time it was a gateway to the dream happening, this time it's a whole different story.


• Emotionally-Allowing myself to experience the emotions that come with the changes but not letting them take residence and bring me down is quite a challenge this time around.


• Spiritually-Learning to trust again, to lean into His plan, His will, His grace. A journey I'd thought I'd accomplished...evidently not.


• Mentally-Letting my mind wrap around it all again. Remembering to embrace this as a chance to rediscover the God I claim to follow.

 

Close your eyes

Close your eyes and let it all flow. The hurt. The pain. The sadness. The aching. Let it flow in so it can flow out.

Once its all out, take a deep breath.

Close your eyes again. Let it flow in. The mercy. The healing. The soothing. The peace. Let it overwhelm the others.
Take it in. Hold it close. It's all that'll keep you afloat.

Take a deep breath, trusting that there are better days ahead. A brighter plan. A reason behind this ugliness.

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Rest in the arms of your Creator.

The Reluctant Journey

I've been involved in this wonderful community for over a year now. Just  when I contemplated if this was really where God wanted me to continue studying the next study was revealed.





As soon as I saw it, my spirit connected to it. I knew I had to join my P31 OBS sisters through this one. Even though it doesn't start until the end of June.

I've had the book for a week now. Hesitant to start reading. The snippets I've seen so far are powerful. This book radiates the wreckage that awaits.

A beautiful wreckage. The type that heals. The type that challenges. The type that grows. The type that encourages.

Wreckage that's sure to sweeten even the most painful of places within.

The journey to being wrecked for Him is what brings the hesitancy. I want to feel again. I want to experience a deeper understanding for Him. A passion I've not had before.

So, I will choose to start this journey. With an open mind and heart. I will obediently follow His call upon my heart to allow this book to wreck me.

For His greatest work is done in my wrecked state.

When music speaks

Laying here. Struggling. In many ways.

Prompted I get up. Find my head phones. Turn on music.

Quickly the tears come. The prayers start. The promises in the words sink in.

The titles of the songs speak. The lyrics both challenge and heal.

It's been a rough few months. Currently in the in between. Waiting for answers.

Coming alongside and celebrating with others when life is racing forward. All while feeling as though yours is standing still.

The pain that comes and go. Reminds of the road I'm on. A scary, isolating road.

Just when it feels all is settling, peace begins to envelope, that's when something hits. Something that rocks the core. It comes in the most unseen way. At the most unexpected time.

Now it's clinging to those promises that are being ushered into the soul. The ones learned at a young age. Because they hold true even now.

For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the Lord , 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jer 29:11

"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted. Job 42:2

To fully believe His dreams for me are better than my own. My head knows it. My heart needs to follow.

For now I'll take it step by step. Day by day. Trusting that His plan will blow me away. All while relishing in the abundant blessings He's already gifted to me.

This song is what He's calling me to.
https://youtu.be/R8nsJZx8eWw

Everything Glorious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlHqG00xCLA

I've heard this song before. Countless times, actually. We've done it in worship. My guess is that you have as well.

The issue is this, when I find myself singing it, I'm not sure if I truly believe the words coming out of my mouth. How often do I fall into the trap? Thinking of myself as less than glorious. Forgetting that when I was created, I was created beautiful. Created for a purpose. That this life is not a pointless ride from day to day. Rather, each day given is a chance to show the world that the God who created each one of us, created us glorious. Just as He is.

Today, today was different. You see, through worship I had our little man with me. Not wanting to go play with his friends in the nursery, he chose to sit in service with mommy. During this song, I had him on my hip, we were dancing, swaying back and forth, together.

As we sang, "He makes everything glorious/and I am Yours/what does that make me?" I found myself lightly squeezing my toddler's leg. Emphasizing that he was indeed made glorious. Even through the hardest days, I'm constantly amazed at how amazing he was made.

That's when I felt the message. One of the rare times, I can honestly say, it was an audible voice. I heard my creator say, "You are, too. When all you can see are your faults, your inadequacies, and your fears, all I can see is your beauty, your purpose and your accomplishments. When will you start to see yourself like this?"

It brings tears to my eyes. Just thinking about it. How can I effectively show others Christ's love, grace and acceptance if I haven't embraced them myself? The honest truth is, I can't.

So today, I'm reclaiming these truths. That I am glorious, because I belong to the Creator and I know that everything He makes is glorious.

I'm tired of living outside of this truth, it's time to take on this new identity and let it transform me day in and day out.

I Still Do

Six years ago.





We had most of the odds against us. Two kids - because let's face it, that's what we were - from broken families. We had barely stepped into this phase of life called adulthood. We pushed against all we knew and we're determined to find own way.

We've had our ups and downs. Our lows knit us together even more. The highs have reminded us of all our dreams we set out toward. We've had to face possibly saying goodbye to dreams. Just as we've seen new dreams arise.





Before we even said "I do" we had faced some hard issues. Through it all we've known our dreams of happiness and harmony wasn't what was going to keep us together. It was the fact that God brought us together.

Today, on our six year anniversary, if I had a do over, I can honestly say, I'd still say I do all over.

I love you, Kev. I've loved being able to see you grow into the man you are today. I'm excited to see the man God will continue to mold you into.





It brings me great joy to see you be a daddy and I look forward to many more memories to cherish. As a husband and wife. As well as a mommy and daddy duo.

In their shoes

Standing there, waiting, watching. Some around in tears, others yelling judgements, and still others are standing in utter disbelief. All waiting impatiently for something to happen...anything.

Suddenly the one everybody is waiting for comes out. Hesitant. The thing that is being commanded by the loudest in the crowd, goes against every fiber of ones being.

Suddenly a scape goat comes to mind. It's tradition to set one free. Yes, that's the answer. Then suddenly, no it can't be! tThey'd rather have a true criminal. Instead of making the hard decision, the crowd is allowed to decide what they really want.

They want the criminal free, and the blameless to be put to death.

Severly beaten, bruised and bloody Blameless was forced to journey to the place of demise. It was going to be a long journey. To top it off, the very instrument to be used, was upon his back.

Yet, Blameless chose to take this on. There is no recorded words spoken through the journey. In the face of the mockery and torment, he stood in silence.

He knew it was the best and only way. The only way for God to save his people, the ultimate way to display the love they've always been taught about. There was no other option. He trusted the Father's plan.

In fact, the only recorded words were those displaying love and power. The first, ensuring his mother would be taken care of in the years to come. The other is showing his power over the flesh.

Once those simple three words were said, it got dark. Shock and awe spread across the crowd. Sadness swooped over some. Others were skeptical.

Once the day was over, I'd imagine that it didn't feel so much like a good Friday. In fact, the only reason we can call it Good Friday today is because we know the rest of it. We know that Sunday is coming. What a glorious day it will be for the believers. What a glorious day it remains.

Refreshing the Mission

It's been two months since I last shared my heart with you all. I can't really say for sure what kept me from this place. It's not that there hasn't been anything to post, there has been so many subjects come across my mind and heart.

Even still, the time wasn't quite right.

One thing, over all the others, that I desire for this haven is for it to be a place full of God's truth and grace. As many of us do, I long to only follow the Spirit's leading when posting. If I fail to wait on the right time, the words will fall short of the mission set before them. If I wait too long, they will have no bearing, no purpose, no passion.

Over the last couple months, I have experienced high highs and low lows. While there were plenty of post headings that came to mind, there was little substance behind them. Catch phrases that I'd cling to, yet they'd dissipate as quickly as they came.

I feel it's time to redefine the mission behind this place I've called home. I still want it to be a place where we can join together and seek the God we serve. I still desire the vulnerability that has been welcomed.

However, I dream of so much more. I dream of this being a place that we can all call home. That the comment section not be just a place for feel good comments, but rather, more of a discussion board. One with mutual respect that overflows with grace.

Lastly, I continue to dream that this be a place where we come to be challenged, loved, and known.

What this road will look like, I do not know. How this will play out is still a mystery. What I do know is that this small address has shared some of the best and worst times of my adult life. Through it all God has used this to but only uplift myself, but to challenge and convict me as well. That is a journey I look forward to continuing here, with all of you.

We are in this together.

Gifts out of love

Spiritual gifts are wonderful things. They are the tools we are given in order to more effectively reflect our Creator's love to those around us. The gifts range from seemingly small, common, everyday, easy-as-breathing all the way to seemingly impossible, outrageous, hard-to-believe. The bible describes a handful of them here:

A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge.  The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have.
1 Corinthians 12:7-11 NLT

We are not to think of any gift more highly than another. Each gift is significant in its own way, serves it's own purpose. The rest of the chapter continues on comparing these gifts to one's body. Each part has it's role, one is not greater than the other, and each works in tandem with the others. So it is supposed to be with our giftings.





Chapter 13 boils it right down to the heart. At least once in each of the first three verses we are told that any gift, when not done out of love, is pointless. Love drives everything in a life devoted to Christ and His work. Love is the only choice that matters.

Finding Balance

Since the holidays, I've been feeling off kilter. Not the normal post holiday blues. This one has been hitting a little more each day.

To say this month has had it's twists and turns would be an understatement. Through all the things that seem to be coming this way, I realize that now is the best time to start implementing my best yes.

I knew there was a reason for that book.

The word I was given this year was self. Walking into it I thought I knew what it meant. In my mind, it meant getting in shape, eating better, getting into a better groove with my quiet time, rediscovering passions and hobbies. All good things.

I'm learning that this season is going to be one of evaluating. What have I said yes to that, while essentially good, isn't a yes I need to follow. What things do I, at least for a season, need to give up. Where have I over committed myself? How does saying yes to _________ impact my well being? My family.

This season won't be an easy one. I like to say yes to things that interest me, but I need to say no, or not now, to some things. That is okay. It's more than okay, it's great.

This year, my word is self. The more I think about it, the more I discuss it with others, I need to focus as much on my family as I do myself. I need to learn to say no to things that will take too much time away from them.

While still focusing on becoming a healthier me, I also need to make an effort to be a healthier family. Spend time with the amazing husband I've been blessed with. Play with and teach our too-smart-for-his-age two year old. Family nights. Date nights. Me night. All these things play into rediscovering self.

How has your new year shaped up so far?

Come as you are

Driving to work this morning and this song comes on. It both brings me to tears, but also offers peace. In the midst of all this lost, hurt and down right brokenness that seems to surround lately, it offers assurance. God sees it all and although we don't know the whys, we can find confidence that He will heal. If you will, take a minute to really listen to this song. Let the words soak in. Allow the promises to begin the healing process.

Crowder - Come As You Are

Good bye buddy

Never did I realize just how much of an impact it would have. I walked into a house with some very special people living there. Not quite knowing what to expect. Each one of the guys touched my heart in a way only they can.

You, however, not only touched, but nestled your way in. Took up residence. Showed me a simpler side of life.

While always tossing challenges at me. Slipping out of sight quicker than one could blink. Chasing you to opposite ends of the house, park, wherever else we might be. We even joked about you being my workout plan while carrying my son.

I'll never forget the sniffs followed by your signature "oo smell..." followed by one of a dozen different things. McDonald's was a favorite. The zoo, mall and van ride close after. However, beyond anyone's doubt, Your favorite was cherry coke. All rushed together to where only those who had been around you for a while understood.

Three and a half years of consistent work. There were many achievements made by both of us. Perhaps the biggest one came about year two and a half. When you would come, smell my head, sit next to me, hold my hand and tell me of what I smelled. Or occasionally what activity you'd enjoy next.

When I heard of your passing. Shock, disbelief and sorrow all hit simultaneously. As the last couple days have gone on, reality has set in. Hard as it is, I know you're better now. You now know no limitations. You're free. For that we have no greater joy.

Rest in peace big guy.

Enjoy a cherry coke for me. Perhaps a cheeseburger and french fries too.

Welcoming in 2015

I shared a couple days ago about my one word for 2015. While mulling over exactly how rediscovering myself should look a couple things came to mind. The first was a song. A song I know I've shared here before. The lyrics of this song were once again brought to my attention on the 28th:

[caption id="attachment_1664" align="aligncenter" width="225"] "The Real Me" by Natalie Grant. Listen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bRGfId9quY[/caption]

Even though this song was written to help the artist with a very real struggle with bulimia, I believe that so many of us can relate to the struggle of just wanting to find ourselves outside of our circumstance. That's the beauty of music, the words can impact so many people in different ways.

Along with this song, there was something else that came into my mind. Scripture. One I'd become very much  familiar with several years back. In fact, it's been the focus of several books I've read over the last several years. However, this time, it's come to life so much more.



These two tools, combined with the focus of rediscovering what self means to me, are sure to help. A few other steps I'm planning to take on this journey:

• Set a consistent time to wake up each morning
  
  
  
  • enough time for breakfast and quiet time
  
  
  
  


• Discover a way to become more active and stick to it


• Write consistently. Either here or in a journal I received for Christmas


• Read books. All the way to the end.


• Take time monthly (more frequently if needed) and do something to refresh myself


• Crochet again


• Make girl time a must

Do you have any goals for this year? Any hopes and dreams that are beginning to take shape?