My Red Sea Road

 For a few weeks now this feeling has come and gone. It goes as quickly as it arrives. 

For several days, it felt as though we were staring at a wall. Between kids being sick keeping us cooped up for several days, to the cooler air settling in, bringing with it more cloudy days, life just felt a little...stalled.

Finally, the word came. Talking to a friend and the word was released. A tsunami.

This wall of water that was just waiting to crash in and overtake. Ominous, dark, intimidating.

Going through my work the next day and I got a quick flash. A picture that only held in my mind for but a second. It is now written on my heart permanently. 

Myself and others, my people, I believe, huddled down struggling against a wall of water. My mind was drawn to the ground beneath us. Much to my astonishment it was still solid. More than that, though. The ground was dry. We were safely standing.

It was then it felt like the camera spun to the left. Rather than only seeing uncertainty, an unknown wall of dark, and fear, there was a path like the one we were standing on. One end, the dark gloomy, unstable land from which we're leaving. The other end a bright, sun, joyful land.

A heart pulled to read a very familiar passage that many of us are familiar with. The one in which Moses follows God's instructions to lead the Israelites across the red sea. Conquering enemies once and for all.

A song began to radiate in the heart. Another very familiar message. Its a song that, honestly I wasn't super fond of while it was "popular" but its obvious my heart took hold and buried the words to allow them to begin to blossom now.

When we can't, see the way
He will part the waves
And we'll never walk alone
Down a red sea road
     -Red Sea Road by Ellie Holcomb

While I know what lies behind, what lies ahead is unknown.

Now, there's a few questions hanging over me.

Will I continue taking steps forward toward the new land? Choosing to trust that God's got this. He knows the way better than anyone else. That God is faithful now just as He always has been before.

Upon what will my focus rest? The walls threatening to crash in on either side or the dry path ahead of me? Trusting that God goes before me and will not leave me now?

Until I make it to the other side, I will challenge myself with these questions. I will also hold tight to these instructions.

Prayer Works

Received some news last night that put us on edge. *Nothing health related, just want to settle that now.* I shot messages to my closest supports, discussed with Kevin, then I grabbed my notebook. With tears streaming down my face, I began writing a prayer:

"Papa God, Help! Things went from great to uncertain very quickly. I pray for clarity, for wisdom, for guidance. You have a plan in this, give my heart, mind and soul peace. I need You to guide me. Give us unity and help us navigate this well. In Jesus name, Amen."

This morning, its still heavy around us. We choose to go to church for the first time since COVID. It wasn't a mistake that todau was the day our souls said "go" and our hearts were willing.

Service starts. Uncertainty, fear and panic threatens to over take.  Prayer writing instinctually happens.

"Papa God, You are all knowing God. You are the holder of all that has come and all that has gone. I need you now. I'm grateful that nothing surprises you. Anything that crosses our path has to he ordained by You. So if there is something that happens, then I can trust that you will guide, equip and strengthen us and help us through it. In Jesus name, amen."

Half way through church, the phone rings. The news was worse than anticipated. Disbelief and shock in some details, more uncertainty, major decisions need made and quickly.

More discussions happen once home. Send out some prayer requests for support in decision making and guidance. Within a few minutes a simple text comes through. One of support and offers of prayer leads to an answer. 

This season is looking nothing like we were anticipating. However, there is peace. We are blessed with the people we have around us.

God is good. He is faithful. Prayer is powerful. 

It hurts to admit that I'm rarely as prompt to pray when heavy stuff hits. The last couple days, its been almost a reflex. Which is exactly what its meant to be and how I want it to continue.

Over the last few weeks my spirit has been shifting my focus. Leading me in a new (to me) way to study the word. I've been listening to a life changing podcast as well. He has been convicting me, moving me and challenging me to turn back to my first Love. 

So I share this as an encouragement to anyone reading: prayer works. Even when you don't feel like it does: prayer works. Even when it feels like hope is lost: prayer works. Even when plans flip upside down on us: prayer works. 

Seeking joy through habits

A week ago I wrote a post about disengaging with some of the social media that dominates so many lives. The decision came after several days of gentle prodding by the Spirit. It has proven to be extremely hard to stay completely away. I still find myself going to pull it up on the browser more frequently than I care to admit.

What I have found, is the time I do spend on there has been more intentional. Typically I'll use it to check in on two different groups that encourage either bible study or my crochet project for the year. The time spent there has been significantly less. The second mindless scrolling starts, the page gets closed and attention turned to other things.

Start of 2020 temperature blanket

As each day comes, I find the internal challenge to open the page less often and spend even less time on it. Especially when the time spent hinders growth. Growth in any area.

I found myself this morning listening to the words being spoken during the sermon. The words both affirmed the steps I'd taken to focus less on the things of this world and focusing instead on God. At the same time, my heart was challenged and convicted.

These feelings are lingering still. Hours after hearing the sermon. I can feel something stirring deep within. A movement coming on that I cant quite pinpoint yet. The challenge is straightforward, am I forming my habits? Or are my habits forming me? A call to intentional living. A challenge that led me to revamping my storage for my bible study material for easier access.

This feeling within is uncomfortable, for sure. Past experience tells me that the most beautiful transitions happen after the most discomfort. While I pray, journal and seek the meaning behind this stirring I will continue on this journey that I've taken on.

Minimizing the time spent on social media a little more each day and instead using the time to create. Using the urge to open the browser as incentive to turn to open the bible instead. Being more intentional connection with my favorite humans. Seeking each day for more authentic connection. More on that later, I'm sure.

For now, my focus will remain on creating healthier habits. Studying scripture each day through reading and writing. Praying each day, usually by writing them out to help keep my focus. Choosing to listen to worship music instead of turning on Netflix. Opening my bible or a book rather than my phone. Interacting with those in my home rather than scrolling through nothing. Cooking at home over ordering out. Crochet one of several projects that I have going on over randomly searching for empty entertainment. The list could go on.

One thing I'm sure is that this struggle within will coincide with my word of the year.

A new decade

The last 12 months were filled with some life altering events. It was a year of deep loss and near-devastating sadness. Daily life changed quite rapidly. Each day a step of faith and trust.

In the fall, in the midst of grief, physical struggles, and many other things God saw fit to send a stranger to deliver a message. At the end of a concert a vision was shared with me. From a total stranger, an angel I'm convinced.

The vision, one that made no sense to this person, made perfect sense to me. A prophecy meant specifically for me. Sent at the perfect time. To soothe an aching heart. One that gave hope and light in the midst of darkness.

The promise that the sludge within (grief, sadness, gunk of life) was being forced out. Replaced with something greater. Replaced by an everlasting fruit. One that is only provided by the Spirit.

Naturally, since this encounter anything even remotely related to this word has jumped out at me and reminded me this His promise to me is Joy. Not a temporal feeling but an internal, eternal, resonating joy. No matter what comes my way, He has promised joy will remain.

As many do every year, I began to reflect, pray, think and look toward the coming year. And still, the only thing my heart repeated is "joy is near. Joy is on the horizon. Joy will sustain."

So the word for 2020 picked me. This year will be a year of joy. Studying it. Reacquainting myself with its meaning. But most importantly making God the top priority because if I'm not connected to the giver of Joy, how can I ever expect to live joyfully.

As I began looking at the word joy. Definitions, both dictionary and biblical. Searching out scriptures. Listening to songs, because let's face it, I'm my father's child and music often sinks in quicker than anything else.

Oh the gold mine that was found.

My scripture for this year is:

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.        -Psalm 51:12 (ESV)

This one resonated in my heart. Joyful had always been a word others used to describe me. I hadn't realized it had diminished. My prayer is for the restoration of said joy. My part of this is to maintain a willing spirit and allow the joy to penetrate every part of my being.

I also stumbled upon a song that I hadn't heard before. One that so perfectly puts into words everything I feel and look to feel in this time of restoration.
https://youtu.be/VDiETOLBvxA

This is the start of my discoveries. I plan to share more of what I've found during my searching as time goes on.

I hope you'll join me on this journey.

Are you on your own journey? Have your own resolution? A word you want to learn about this year? I'd love to hear your heart too!

 

So long 2019

A few days back I wrote a broad post encompassing events from 2010 through to 2019. A highlight of the decade soon ending. A memorial of a sports. While the decade definitely brought drastic highs and lows, this year was definitely the most difficult.

Scrolling through pictures on my phone and I found one from 12/30/18. Exactly a year ago. While it is like many others I have, this one contained special purpose. Significant milestone. After 3 weeks, 2 procedures and a lot of questions (some answered, some not), dad had come home from the hospital.

Our little girl, such a papa's girl was so excited to have him home. We were all relieved to be under the same roof, just in time for the new year. Little did we know what the year held for us.

As the year started to unfold we began settling into routines. Some doctors appointments here, labs there. We also began to realize that our new normal wouldn't be what it was before. We remained hopeful, believing God could restore but also aware that he may not.

This was followed by challenging months full of doctors appointments, ER visits, another hospital stay or two. Everyday a new or different uncertainty came to light. The evidence becoming clearer and clearer.

Just before summer, another week long hospital stay. No longer could the truth be ignored. His body was worn down. A choice had to be made. We could have stayed on the same old cycle, body wearing down more and more with each trip or we could take a different road a new road.

The decision made was the hardest one. The right one. The best one.

Choosing to step off the merry go round, seeking to have a better quality of the life left within. Hospice stepped in and finally some peace settled in.

We made a few changes, but things got better. We could look up, breathe in the life around us and enjoy each day for what it was. No more doctor appointments. No more EMS/ER trips. No more "what's next" questions.

The kids got invaluable time with the man they both loved so much. We were given the chance to care for, talk with and allow him to have his best days.

This doesnt mean any of it was easy. On the contrary, it was the hardest leap of faith I've ever taken. The journey was excruciating. The spiritual battles fought and ultimately won were beyond anything I'd experienced before.

In the end, when the dust settled, more peace followed. New lessons learned. Discovered those who loved and supported us best. Bonded with others in new ways. Found hard truths about some. All lessons that benefit, no matter how hard the realizations were.

2019 started with a phrase, one that I didnt realise was going to be absolutely crucial to all the events that were ahead. Walking through a store a mug had jumped out at me that simply said "stay grounded." Through it all, that was essential for more than merely surviving everything that came our way.

At the end of the year I am blessed beyond any measure. Two amazing kids who have been through the wringer but have blossomed into incredible people. An amazing husband that showed unwavering support in the seasons that came and loved me well through them. A loving dog who is an absolute sweetheart, even if ultra-needy. A circle of friends who are more like family. A God who sustained, strengthened and showed up time and again.

With this we are ready to close the chapter that is 2019. We cling to the lessons learned. Remember the many we lost. Remain aware of the blessings around us.

Tomorrow we open a new book and chapter. One that is full of optimism and hope. 366 days to connect. With God. With others. With myself. 366 chances to reconnect.

366 chances to seek out joy.

FOMO no more

Thursday night (12/26) before bed I followed a pull on my heart. It had been a long time coming. To be honest, it's a step I should have probably taken a long while ago.

I took the two social media apps off my phone that sucked most of my spare time. Facebook and instagram. I also removed games off of my phone as well.

I haven't deactivated the apps. However, I have opted to spend more of my time into the people, hobbies and things that nourish rather than drain. I've already found that I have ample time to enjoy such things. Time I never felt I had.

If I'm totally honest, it hasnt been easy to stay away. Several times today, even, I'd find myself reaching for my phone. Out of habit and muscle memory looking for one of those apps.

It's been sobering to mentally note each time I've instinctually reached for the device. I've found myself even tempted to open facebook on the mobile browser. For no particular reason, I'd mostly just mindlessly scroll. 

As the day went on I began to feel a stirring, an uneasy feeling. A sobering conviction. I couldnt quite put a finger on the meaning behind the feeling that was beginning to encompass. 

Then it hit me. Like a 2X4. Spoken straight to my heart by the Spirit himself.

When will your fear of missing out be toward the things I want for you?

This made my heart hurt. How many times have I scrolled all day long to gain nothing that really matters? How many times have I missed the opportunity to connect with the God who created me for the purpose of relationship?

It's a similar message to that which was shared in service this week. Confirmation.

 So I have chosen to take this culture and use it to motivate me to dig into scripture. Challenge me to deepen my prayer life. Draw me closer to my Father.

With Him there is no fear. With Him there is no missing out.

Decade of Extremes

Looking back to the start of the decade, my heart wouldnt have been able to imagine the life that these 10 years would see. I was blessed to see love celebrated, countless lives brought to life, hearts called and changed by the Savior, and so much more. It also contained heartbreak, the brokenness of relationships, loss of lives, pain of unfulfilled dreams, seemingly unanswered prayers. 

This decade was one of vast extremes, more than this heart was prepared.

Most of this decade was spent in my twenties. I found myself in many new seasons all at once. A young wife, navigating year one of marriage. Discovering new paths of work. Illness began to take hold. Friendships began to shift. Priorities and hobbies came and went with the seasons.

As the decade progressed, everything we once knew changed. Today we find ourselves an old married couple in most circles, having celebrated 10 years married. Established on a career path that only God could have ordained. Illness continued, spread, changed and ultimately struck down. Friendships are completely different, few from the start remain, the ones now are deeper, truer, stronger. Priorities continue to mold themselves based on the season of life. Hobbies are more established and more a source of rest and peace.

This decade we experienced life and death. We experienced wellness and sickness. We experienced plenty and need. We've seen blessed mountains and dry vallies. We've experienced love and loss. We've felt joy and pain. 

Through the entire decade one thing has held truest: God has never left us. He has never allowed something for nothing. He is faithful. He is still good. He is still God.

In the end that's all that matters.

*** reminder for those joining from Facebook, I am on a social media break. So any comments left on facebook wont be read for an undetermined amount of time.